CLW's Stop Feel Meet Method

CLW’s Stop Feel Meet Method for enhanced empathy and compassion during challenging interpersonal situations applies both in the work place and at home, during moments of highly intense emotional states or even uncomfortable irrational behaviour.

It can be easy to be overcome by a surge of reactive emotion, when someone is acting irrationally and especially when the behaviour is directed towards us. However, it is beneficial to remember you don’t always know why that person is acting like that. It may seem inappropriate and irrational, but it may well be a warning sign that the other person is not in a good place and needs some help.

In such an instance, the benefits of compassion and empathy come in to play. Providing the skills to take our awareness from how we feel in that situation, to how the other person is feeling. The purpose of that being to allow both parties to come away from the situation feeling as though their wellbeing has been enhanced, not deteriorated due to an uncomfortable encounter.

Using skills such as compassion and empathy to turn a difficult situation or encounter with another into a moment of connection, is a simple way to improve both how you are feeling - you have done a good deed and supported someone, and the other person – they feel supported, seen, heard and understood.

Stop:

If someone is having a highly emotionally charged moment or perhaps acting irrationally, before responding, stop, remember that they are viewing the world from a different viewpoint to you. Remember that you do not know what they might be dealing with, thinking or feeling. Seek understanding, in that moment is it possible to ask them what might be going on for them that is making them feel or act this way?

Be sure to listen actively when they talk, this shows you care and are trying to seek understanding, it also helps create a moment of connection, reassuring them they are being seen and heard.

Feel:

They may or may not want to talk. Either way, attempt to put yourself in their shoes. It is not overly important ‘what’ is going on, it is that ‘something’ might be going on. Allow yourself to imagine what they are or might be feeling and let them know you are trying to understand and support them. This is the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy is the act of feeling sorry for someone, which in most cases people don’t want. Empathy is the act of reflecting to them that you understand what they are feeling and you are there for them, some might have the ability to truly feel what they are feeling.

This is where compassion comes in, despite common views of compassion as similar to feeling sorry for someone, compassion is a deep feeling of wishing for another’s suffering to be resolved. This will allow you to connect with the person in a more meaningful way. Compassion is feeling and even showing that you are there for them, that you genuinely care and want for them to feel better and for their suffering to be eased. Perhaps this is where you offer to support them in any way you can.

Meet:

When we are dealing with highly charged emotions, or when we are experiencing distress of some sort, it can be difficult to self-regulate. Meeting someone where they are at, gives you the ability to help them co-regulate, supporting them in coming up or down from where they are at.

If someone is in a low emotional state, meeting them with a very high emotional state, is not going to help them suddenly snap out of what they are feeling. Conversely, the opposite can also be true.

Empathy and compassion will allow you to use your body language, tone of voice and energy to appropriately meet someone where they are at and help them to regulate their emotion. It is important to come at this from the perspective of truly understanding what they are feeling (Stop, Feel), so you can appropriately handle the situation.

Once they have managed to regulate their emotion you can help them to process what they were feeling. This includes listening attentively, empathising with what they are saying, and if appropriate asking them questions that help them to find ways forward for themselves. The goal being to support them with what they need and that they feel seen and heard. They might not want to be given a solution, they might just want to talk – or not.

If this is a managerial relationship, it could be helpful to highlight with them one thing that they would like to do for themselves going forward, or something you can do to support them moving forward and arrange a follow up discussion to see how they are getting on.